I had a major epiphany today thanks to someone I considered a friend. I asked her a couple of questions via messenger and her response to me was unusually abrupt and quite formal, which was really out of character. As far as I was concerned, everything was ok between us.
My initial reaction was this, maybe she is having a bad day, or, maybe what I wrote came across as being bitchy, or, was what I asked her offensive in any way, and then I read and re-read and analysed the fuck out of what I wrote and I was like, you know what, no!
Her response was unusual, it’s that simple, but, it helped me realise that in the past I have always automatically put myself down in these types of situations, that I have always thought that I had somehow fucked up or done something wrong.
(I am from the camp that believes that we are 100% responsible for everything that happens in our lives, so I don’t play the victim.)
Anyway, after my initial questions to myself and analysis, for the first time I was like, even if she was having a shitty day or she had a bone to pick with me, it’s not my issue and, it’s none of my damn business.
So I responded politely and went about my business and later on, as I took my two dogs, Hannah and Tilda out for a walk I realised something even deeper about myself. I am a fucking control freak and I am too concerned about what others think of me. It’s really debilitating at times and it messes with my head and my ability to just be myself, relax and have fun.
This is what usually happens on our walks, we slowly walk around the block about 4 or 5 times a day at different times and, I’ll usually be wearing my father-in-law’s big black fit over sunglasses over my prescription glasses and my pink cap, this is to hide my shame and embarrassment.
I’ll tell you why.
Because without failure you’ll hear me swearing and telling the dogs off for shitting and pissing and sniffing for too long or wanting to bark at something or someone, or wanting to chase the birds or cats, and people riding bikes, because that’s what us control freaks do.
I even started putting my headphones in my ears so it looked as though I was talking on the phone, you know, so I didn’t look and sound so much like that crazy lady who was always muttering and swearing at herself with the dogs!
Hannah, the biggest Jack Russell in the world, has this one favourite spot where she likes to take a dump, it’s on a nature strip right outside the big beautiful undressed ceiling to floor windows of this very posh house.
Every.time.without.failure as we get to that house, she slows down and assumes the squat position, and every.time.without.failure I hang my head in shame and I start profusely sweating and having a go at her, swearing and saying “for fuck’s sake dog, can’t you take a shit somewhere else?”
This is all because in my head I’m imagining that the posh people are probably inside peering out their windows down their noses judging and thinking, “oh there’s that crazy lady with the biggest Jack Russell ever who likes to take a dump on our nature strip.”
This is what I put myself and my beautiful dogs through because I have created this ridiculous scenario in my head! I am reacting and thinking about something that’s not even fucking real!! This is what I thought after getting that response from my “friend”.
And even if it were true, about the posh people, (who may not even be posh because I’ve never actually seen them), it’s none of my business and it’s out of my control because a) I can’t control where my dog takes a dump, and 2) I’m a responsible pet owner who cleans up after her dogs even though it makes me want to puke!
So today, I praised her for shitting on the immaculately groomed grass, what a smart dog, good girl for not taking a dump inside at home! And we enjoyed the walk and not much swearing happened. It’s baby steps though, the sunglasses and cap aren’t quite ready to go but my dog can shit wherever she damn well pleases and it’s ok!
This is what I took away from this experience, if you are acting from a place of integrity and you’re not being an arse, then fuck what you think other people may be thinking, because you probably made that shit up, and if you didn’t, fuck what they think anyway! Life is short, so go and relax and enjoy it, all of it, even the shit!